New Heights

1. It's 1am on a Saturday night, March 1st...I'm laying on the floor beside my bed as quiet as a mouse with a pillow and a blanket.  You, my 12 month old, are in my bed. You nurse throughout the night so we co-sleep. It just makes life easier, more manageable. I can function slightly better this way when mornings roll around and life doesn't care the least about how much rest I've gotten the night before. The past year of my life, sleeping wise, is a big hazy. Sometimes I'm not really sure how many times you wake during the night or how many times I nurse you. I know, that's crazy. Anyway, tonight you fell asleep at 9:30ish and and it's almost 1am. You've been sleeping for almost four hours. Ok, so maybe more like three hours but I like to round up. So even though I'm ready to crawl into my warm, cozy bed and cover up with my fluffy down comforter, I can't. I'm so caught up in measuring your sleep and I don't want to chance waking you. I'll wait here until you wake seeking my comforting touch.
2. It's 9pm on a Friday night (March 14th)...I'm laying in your crib with you to be your comfort and to help you get to sleep peacefully. It does feel a bit strange simply because you haven't touched your crib in months. (Yikes! That's really hard to say out loud!) That was never the plan, ever. You we're suppose to sleep in your crib (alone) after just a few weeks of sleeping in your bassinet. It really was a perfect plan and it worked so flawlessly for the other two.  I'm most positive though, that the wrench in the plan has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I'm ok with it either way. Life has changed and with that so have my reasons for making certain decisions. Tonight here I lay with you in your crib letting you wiggle and crawl all over me until you're perfectly comfy and cozy...and I don't mind one bit. Actually I love it. I lay here quite cramped but so happy. Happy to be the one rubbing your sweet little head and watching your eyelids flutter as you fight the urge to fall asleep.  All in all, I'm here to reassure you and help you to know that there's nothing to be afraid of. One day, sooner than later I'm sure, you'll fall asleep on your own. Until then I'll be here for you.

Sleeping on the floor next to my bed and laying in a crib...these to some may seem like lowly things to do as a mother but I just can't help to have felt, in those moments, like my heart has reached new heights. Heights I would have never imagined possible and I am treasuring them today.